Was It All Worth It?
by aprylynn
Summary: Kensi is gone and Deeks is left to make sense of everything. He gets a little help along the way. Takes place after episode 5x10 (Frozen Lake). One-shot. I still own nothing and I'm still sad about it. A big thank you to Rebecca (YourSmileLaughEverything)! You are the best!


She was gone and everything reminded Deeks of her.

She has been gone for months, but her presence was everywhere.

Even if their last night together had not taken place, it would still be difficult for him to be in his apartment and not think of her. How many times had she been there to pick him up before work? How many times had she stayed to have a beer with him and wind down after a hard day? How many times had they watched a horror movie or a reality TV show or a documentary on a crazy conspiracy theory? Even if that was it, if that was all there was, she would still constantly be on his mind.

But their last night together had taken place. She left her mark and there was no escaping it. He would close his eyes and he swore he could feel her hands on him, her skin against to his. He couldn't be in his living room without picturing her there, with her arms around him, with her lips on his. He couldn't lie in his bed without smelling her scent, without reaching over, hoping to find her still there.

The day after had been turbulent at best. There was awkwardness in the morning when Sam and Callen started noticing that something was different. There was anger when Deeks didn't take a shot that she knew he would have taken the day before. There were tears when she was afraid that she would lose the one thing she wanted most. There was chaos when she broke protocol to make sure he was safe.

And then there were promises. She promised to talk with him. He promised to be patient with her. She admitted that they had a thing. Hearing Kensi Blye say the words "our thing" was beyond anything Deeks could have imagined. He was overwhelmed with hope and possibilities and happiness. He couldn't wait for the end of the day when he could see her again.

When he arrived at OSP, all he found was a cryptic Hetty, telling him that his partner was gone, indefinitely. He held her knife, the one that belonged to her father. He wondered if this was the last piece of herself that she would ever give to him. He wondered if they would get a chance to keep their promises to each other. As he walked out, he wondered how he would be able to go home and live his life without her.

He spent as much time away from home as possible. He went running, he surfed, he drove around with no destination in mind, he volunteered for stakeouts and to stay late to finish extra paperwork. He did everything he could to keep his mind off her, but none of it worked.

Up until now, he was used to being alone. He had no family, no serious relationships, no close friends. Now, the one person he couldn't be with was the one person he couldn't live without. She had become a part of him. That one perfect night they spent together gave him a glimpse of the kind of life they could have had. For the first time ever, the idea of spending his life with someone (and not just anyone, but Kensi Marie Blye) was more than a possibility. This made him realized there was no going back. There was no forgetting her, no matter how hard he tried.

All he could do right now is pray that she would find her way back home.

* * *

"Earth to Deeks. You there?"

"Huh? I'm sorry. What were you saying?" Deeks was at OSP thinking about Kensi, while trying to make it look like he wasn't thinking about Kensi. And it wasn't really working.

Sam chuckled and shook his head. "Nothing. It wasn't important. Are you okay?"

"Um... yeah, sure. Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

Deeks looked down and didn't say anything.

"Well, I have to say that if I were in your place, I wouldn't be okay, either."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do." He nodded his head towards Kensi's empty desk, just another constant reminder that something was missing in Deeks' life. "You miss her. You're scared by how much she means to you. Your feelings for her got out of hand and before you even realized what was happening, she became your whole life, your whole world. You would do anything to be with her because all of the sudden, life without her doesn't make sense."

"Sam, I appreciate you trying to help, but I don't think you're qualified to comment on mine and Kensi's relationship."

"Relationship?"

"You know what I mean. Partnership. I mean partnership."

"Whatever you say. And by the way, I wasn't talking about you and Kensi. I was talking about me and Michelle. If you think all that sounded familiar, then maybe I understand more than you realize. Deeks, I've been there. I've been where you are right now. I worked with someone everyday and our lives were in each others hands. We couldn't afford to get distracted or else it could get us killed. But despite every effort to remain professional and focused, we couldn't deny what was happening."

Deeks took a deep breath and thought about everything Sam said. He was so wrapped up in his own despair, his own confusion, his own misery that he forgot about Sam and Michelle's history. Here was someone who understood exactly what he was going through, someone who was sitting right next to him the entire time. Sam was very different from him. They didn't see eye to eye on a lot… except when it came to loyalty, standing strong for what you believe in, being there for those you care about. Ever since Sidorov had captured them, they have become more and more aware of just how much they understood each other. Sam was reaching out and offering his help. Deeks decided to take a chance.

"She… she told me that I was her frozen lake."

Sam laughed. "Only Kensi would put it that way."

"You understood that?"

"Of course. I'm familiar with Sayoc and I've known Kensi a long time. Longer than you have. I know how her mind works. Coming from her, that's a pretty impressive confession. You obviously mean a lot to her, but she's scared about what this could do to you."

"I don't know. At first she said it wasn't going to work. That everything would fall apart around us. We never got the chance to talk more about it. We were going to. She hates talking, but she said she would. And then things changed and I have no idea when I'll see her again. Or if I'll see her again."

"Have faith, man. She's strong and she's smart and she's stubborn. She'll find her way back. Plus, a frozen lake is difficult to cross, but not impossible."

"I hope you're right. I really don't know how much more of this I can take."

"I've told you this before, Deeks. You are not alone."

"Thanks. So… since you're the expert, can I ask you a question that I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to?"

Sam smiled. "Sure."

"Was it all worth it?"

The meaning of Deeks' question was clear. Was it worth it to fall in love with someone who had a dangerous job just like you do? Was it worth it to agree to spend the rest of your lives together even if that danger never really goes away? Was it worth it to fight everyday with every bit of your strength? Was it all worth it?

There was no hint of wavering in Sam's response. "Hell, yes, it's worth it. Michelle is the best thing that ever happened to me. The fact that it was difficult, that I had to fight hard for her... that made me even more sure and made it even more worth it."

"It was awful being around Sam before he was with Michelle. She's definitely been good for him." Callen wandered into the bullpen and felt the need to give his two cents. He never missed an opportunity to give Sam a hard time.

"G, you didn't even know me before I was with Michelle."

"I know, but I've been around you when she's been out of town and that was not pretty. I can only imagine how bad it was when she wasn't around at all."

"Very funny, G. I thought you were supposed to be my friend."

"I'm just trying to make Deeks feel better. He likes it when we pick on you every once in a while."

Deeks sighed. "So, I guess it's official that I've been doing a horrible job of covering up my mood."

"Yes, you have. But as much as it pains me to say this, Sam is right. You are not alone."

"Thanks, Callen. I never would have pegged you as the sentimental type."

"You all have grown on me. Kind of like moss."

Sam laughed. "So you finally understand that moss is a good thing?"

"No, moss is still a disease in my book… but I'm just used to it now."

Sam shook his head. "Sometimes I don't know why I talk to you."

Callen looked right at Deeks. "We all miss Kensi. I know you do especially. I know things are different between you two now and even though my top priority is the safety of my people and our mission at hand, as your friend, you have my support. And if there is anything I can do to find out any information about when she will be back, you will be the first to know."

Deeks looked from Callen to Sam and smiled. Suddenly, he was not feeling so alone.

* * *

Deeks thought everyone else was gone. He sat at his desk finishing up paperwork, when he felt like someone was watching him. He looked up and jumped. Hetty was right in front of him. He had not heard her approaching at all.

"Hetty! Nice way to give a guy a heart attack. We need to put a bell on you or something."

"I'd like to see someone try."

"Good point. Never mind. I'll take my chances. Although, you should keep in mind that dying of fright is a really thing. Or at least Eric said it is."

"I will keep that in mind."

"Thank you. Is there something I can do for you, Hetty?"

"Actually, I was just checking in with you. I was wondering how your heart is doing?"

"Probably going 200 beats per minute, thanks to you."

"I meant your emotional center."

"Oh, that. I guess I'm fine."

"Mr. Callen has been asking me for information on your partner. I think he's worried about her. And about how you're holding up. I must admit that I'm troubled as well with how much her absence is effecting you."

"Really? Because you didn't seem that troubled when you send her away." Deeks shocked himself with this statement. Did he just mouth off to Hetty?

"Now, you don't sound fine to me. Is there something on your mind that you wish to share?"

Deeks took a deep breath and carefully considered what to say next. He knew that Hetty would not have asked what was on his mind if she was not prepared for the answer.

"Yes. I do have something on my mind. I know that you're mysterious and next to impossible to figure out, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what you are doing with me and with Kensi. I mean, you send me that note. Sunshine and gunpowder. The only way you could have known about that is if you were listening to us in the boat shed that night. You obviously know what she means to me. I don't know what you were trying to say to me by sending that note, but it was made clear that you know how I feel about her. I took it as a green light, that you approve of me pursuing things with her. But then life and kidnapping and torture and terrible communication get in the way and delay it for a while longer. And finally, we are starting to be honest with each other and we take the next step together. And then you send her away. No explanation as to why. No idea how long she will be gone. No clue if I will ever see her again. So, I guess you're right. I'm not fine, but I think you can understand why I'm frustrated, why I'm confused and why I don't know what to think when it comes to you and the decisions you make around here."

Hetty stood motionless in front of him. It was impossible to gauge what was going on inside of her. He just let out months and months of frustration and confusion, which was a relief. But he was still bracing himself for her reaction.

"Mr. Deeks, I owe you an explanation. And maybe even an apology. You see, I struggle with finding a balance between my head and my heart. I know I have a job to do. I know that many lives depend on me doing my job well. I need to make decisions that are not easy to make. But I also have become invested in the people that work for me. I care and that makes my decisions even more difficult at times. I also have a desire for each of you to not become like me. I lived my life with only my career in mind and because of that I have spent much of my life alone. I must make it clear that I don't regret that. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. I am proud of the life I have lived. But that doesn't stop me from wanting something different for you. I want you to have someone to share your life with. From the start, I saw something in you and Miss Blye. You two were very different and that made your partnership troublesome in the beginning. But the more you came to trust each other, the more it became clear to me how special your relationship was. I don't want your lives to be all about your careers. If you two make each other happy, if you two make each other's lives complete, then that's what my heart wants for you. Hence the sunshine and gunpowder note. But unfortunately, we do have a job to do and I had to make a decision that I believe was the right one. I couldn't involve my heart in this decision at all. I had to send her away because her expertise was needed for a greater good. As a result, I ended up sending you mixed signals with regards to your relationship with Miss Blye and for that I am sorry. I owed it to you to be straight forward with you from the beginning."

This was the most honest and most direct Hetty had ever been with him. Most of the time she hints and she implies and she hides. He was floored by her words.

"I am sorry for how I went about this, but please know that I would never have split the two of you up unless it was absolutely necessary. I also want you to know that I have every intention of bringing Miss Blye home after her mission is complete. Unfortunately, that's all I can tell you right now."

"Hetty... thank you. It means a lot to hear you say that. Especially since Henrietta Lange usually gets what she wants."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you being cheeky, Mr. Deeks?"

"I can't help it."

"Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. I hope you know that I want nothing but the best for all of you and I do consider you to be as close as family." She turned to walk away.

"Hetty, wait... uh, when she gets back, do you think that Kensi and I can work this out? You know, with balancing our heads and our hearts?"

Hetty gave him a heartwarming smile. "Yes, I do. It will be difficult. That kind of thing always is. But for the two of you, the reward will be worth the struggle."

* * *

In the many months that past, it became easier to be home, but not because he missed Kensi less. He simply realized that she was always with him. She was on his mind and in his heart no matter where he was.

He was drifting off to sleep on his couch when he heard his phone ring. He picked it up and checked the screen. Blocked call. He ignored it and placed the phone back on his coffee table. A minute later, his phone alerted him to a text, also from a blocked number. _Answer the phone._ As he wondered what was happening, his phone rang again. This time curiosity got the better of him.

"Hello?"

"You know, I don't really appreciate being ignored."

It was the first time hearing her voice in months. It felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room. His mouth opened, but no sound came out. Many times he found myself worried that he was forgetting details about her, including her voice. He would struggle to remember her tone, her terrifying laughter, her not-so funny comebacks, her spoken promises. And now, here she was on the other end of the phone while he was losing the ability to put a sentence together.

"Wow. Is Marty Deeks speechless? I'll have to remember this day."

"Kensi. How… what's going on? Where are you?"

"Um… I can't really say, but I can tell you that I'm on my way home. I'll probably get to see you within the next few days."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. I'm coming home, Deeks."

"Kens, I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm talking to you. You have no idea how much I've missed you."

"I think I do. I missed you, too. Like crazy."

"So… um… how was your trip? Did you have all kinds of fun? Was it boring without me?"

"I'll tell you all about it later. There was a lot that happened and I'm still winding down and processing everything. But I promise I'll tell you everything."

"Wow. That's the second time you've promised to talk to me about something. What's happening to you?"

"Very funny, Deeks. I see you still have the same charming sense of humor."

"You think I'm charming?"

She laughed and the sound made his heart soar. Then he heard a knock at the door. He was not expecting anyone, which was very annoying. Of all the days to have unannounced company…

"Hold on, Kens. I have to get the door."

"Is someone there? Should I let you go?"

"NO!" He momentarily felt embarrassed for shouting at her, but there was no way he was hanging up now. Not after so long without her. "I mean, hang on. Let me just get rid of whoever it is. I don't want to stop talking to you."

"Okay, Deeks."

He got up off the couch and looked out the peephole. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

Kensi. She had a timid smile on her face and she was holding her hands up, a cell phone in one and a paper bag in the other.

He stumbled back, stunned. A couple seconds later, he realized that the woman of his dreams was on the other side of the door and he was just standing there. He rushed to unlock the door and then swung it open.

"Um... Hi... you're... you're here."

"Yeah. I am. I just got back and I came right over."

He reached through the doorway, grabbed her by the arm, and pulled her into his apartment. He closed the door and just looked at her. As much as hearing her voice seemed like a dream come true, actually seeing her with his own eyes... there were no words to describe the relief that washed over him. He felt lighter, like a massive burden had fallen from his shoulders.

"So, you'll see me in a few days, huh?"

"I may have been a little dishonest with that. But seeing the look on your face made it worth it." She smiled at him and he was blown away by how gorgeous she was.

He stepped close and then pulled her into an embrace, holding on to her as if his life depended on it. He couldn't help it. Months had gone by without her, without the sound of her voice, without the feel of her touch. He was not letting go. She dropped the phone and the bag she was holding and wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face in his shoulder. Her hands gently traveled up and down his back as she breathed him in. He rested his face on the side of her head, feeling the softness of her hair and savoring everything about her.

"Kens... I missed you... so much."

"I missed you, too. I'm so sorry. I wish I had fought harder to stay where I was. I wish I could have at least said good-bye or apologized for being a jerk and punching you. We had just found each other and we were starting to figure things out and then Granger told me I had to leave, but you were on your way and..."

"Shhh, Kensi. You're starting to sound like me, with the babbling. It's okay. It's okay. You're here now. That's all that matters."

She took a deep breath and continued to hold onto him, seeming content to stay in his arms forever. She lifted her head off his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. He felt an instant connection with her, as if she had never been gone, as if no time had gone by.

"So... what's in the bag?"

She laughed. "Take a look."

He let go of her and picked up the bag. He reached in and pulled out a very familiar looking shirt. He laughed and couldn't stop. "Why did you bring this over here?"

"I don't know. I thought we could burn it together."

He was still laughing. "Did you keep this with you the whole time you were gone?"

"Yes. It's the only thing I had that reminded me of you."

He shook his head and dropped the shirt on the floor. "I don't know if we need to burn it. I think I still like the way it looks on the floor. Just like last time."

She rolled eyes and smiled. She then reached up and held his face in her hands. He wrapped his arms around her once again.

"I want to figure this out with you, Deeks. I need to figure this out with you. While I was away, I had a lot of time to think. And I've decided that I'm done. I'm done with terrible communication. I'm done with taking you for granted. It was unbearable being away from you and I will do whatever it takes to make this work."

"This? You mean our thing?" He moved his face closer to hers. She felt his breath on her lips and it made her shiver.

"Yes, our thing." She wrapped her arms around his neck and ran her fingers through his hair.

"I love the way it sounds when you say that. Our thing."

"We still have a lot to talk about."

"That's fine because I have all the patience in the world."

"Good. I think you're going to need a lot of it when dealing with me."

He leaned down and placed his lips on hers. The kiss was gentle and lingering. He felt her relax into him as she kissed him back. He pulled away and smiled. "Worth it. Definitely worth it."


End file.
